For as long as I can remember I have been terrified by sickness. Specifically the act of vomiting. It is a tricky one to discuss, I find it hard even to type the words. I attach a lot of superstition to the language and I am having to count to ten and calm myself as I write. I understand that this is something I have in common with other sufferers. Reading other people’s accounts of their experiences living with emetophobia has been hugely helpful to me so I thought I really should share my own history to add to the support for others.
How does emetophobia manifest
In my case the abject terror I feel is more or less equal whether it be someone I am near who is sick or whether I feel sick myself. Although, at the age of 55 I can only count three times in my life that I have actually been sick myself. I could describe each event in detail (I won’t!) they are so firmly etched on my brain. You can imagine that just writing that count of times has me terrified about the need for future edit of the number!
The impact of living with emetophobia on my day to day life is manageable. I am uncomfortable in crowds and check those around me constantly for any signs of unease or disease. There must be subtle non-verbal behaviours that people exhibit when they are feeling unwell because I have often found that when the radar goes off – it was justified! This makes public transport difficult but I manage a daily commute to London with all that involved.
If I find myself near someone who vomits or looks like they might I have the following physical reactions
- uncontrollable shaking
- cold sweats
- running away – despite any obstacles
- crying
If anyone in my household has any kind of stomach problem I tend to go into ‘nil by mouth’ mode. I only consume water until the perceived danger has passed. At times this has felt like a form of anorexia. I am sure the behaviour is quite dangerous. However, in my damaged head I take the view that if I don’t eat it, it can’t come back up!
Unusually for someone with this phobia I think, my fear is of the act of vomiting rather than the mess/smell. I don’t think I am any more disturbed by that than anyone else. I mean it is hard to tell because I know nobody likes that stuff!!
Origins of my emetophobia
I believe I know where and when my phobia originated although I have no proof or independent confirmation. When I was 3 years and 11 months old my father died from pancreatic cancer. My mother has confirmed that as a child I probably did hear my father being sick in the months before his death. I think in the part of my brain that is still 3 years old, living with emetophobia means you vomit = you die.
Growing up living with emetophobia
Nobody talked about phobias when I was young. My Mum had one of her own. Mum was terrified of heights (and still is!). When I showed how terrified I was of someone being physically sick I was called selfish or a drama queen. Someone else was actually ill and I was the one seeking attention. I once got into a lot of trouble in school. I climbed over other children to ‘escape’ from a school assembly when some other poor child vomited near me. People are a lot better informed now on mental health issues. I hope that children with this phobia are being treated with more sympathy and understanding. But my experience was just a product of the world we lived in at the time.
Any school journey was a terrifying ordeal. On one memorable trip across the English Channel, every single member of our party other than me was seasick! The minibus trips with various sporting teams were torture. I can remember when I got to 18 or earlier, saying to myself I am never going to do those things again!
Finding out that what I had had a name and that it is actually one of the most common phobias was really quite something. In all my life I have only knowingly met one other adult who suffered from this. We worked together in 2002 and spent one memorable transatlantic flight sharing our stories of living with emetophobia. It was wonderfully therapeutic! Much love J if you ever read this!!
Impact of living with emetophobia on life and family
I have an incredibly supportive and understanding husband on this subject. He does not fully understand what the phobia feels like to me but he does know how I need him to handle things. For example, if anyone is feeling unwell I need to know. I need an uncommon level of detail actually. If I feel I am being kept in the dark or if I cannot believe what I am told this drives anxiety and paranoia off the scale.
I always planned to have children. Although, the fear of morning sickness was a major concern. I was lucky with that and managed both times with only a few weeks of mild symptoms.
Before I had my children I had thought there was a chance that I would ‘recover’ as they grew up. When my children were unwell as babies I did not feel any effect of the phobia. However, as soon as they were a little older the phobia kicked back in. To my shame I was not able to take care of my own children fully when they were ill. Again my brilliant husband rode to the rescue and he would administer all the cuddles whilst I did the clearing up.
I read that phobias could be passed on to children and did everything I could not to pass this one one but I am afraid I failed. I am completely ashamed to say that both my children show signs of being impacted. My son has a form of the phobia that has left him terrified of vomiting himself although he doesn’t have the same fear of others that I do. My daughter has a fear of sharing food. They both have some of the same obsessions I have with food hygiene/safety. Although I can’t help thinking there is nothing wrong with that aspect!
I live with the constant shame and guilt of not being a ‘proper’ Mum at times and of having passed on these issues in one form or another to my beautiful amazing children.
Unusual behaviours and superstitions
I am aware that many fellow sufferers who are living with emetophobia also struggle with OCD in one form or another. OCD is not something I have ever been troubled with. I do have a small list of superstitious habits or idiosyncrasies to confess to. Full disclosure these are just the highlights – there is a much longer list of tiny tweaks to behaviours that I won’t bore you with!
- never eat oranges after six pm. I get a bit twitchy if any of my family do this. Ok it was an outright ban when I had total control of what my children ate!
- I have a difficult relationship with the colour green – although I love it as an eye colour (hubby and both of my children have green eyes!). I generally avoid picking green when given the choice – even using a green pen makes me a bit nervous. Appreciate that that is quite ludicrous now I say that out loud.
- when sharing a bedroom with anyone I have to have the bed or side of the bed furthest from the bathroom.
- when I start eating again after a scare I normally eat something that I wouldn’t mind being put off for life. Something that I love that isn’t all that good for me. It hasn’t had any impact so far but I figure that if I am unlucky enough to be ill it would at least be a lose/win situation!
- shellfish is to be avoided for the most part. In this respect my world has got smaller over the years. I used to be ok with eating shellfish when I was younger.
On the positive side – I used hand sanitiser all the time on public transport LONG before covid-19 hit the world!
Looking to the future – potential treatments
This phobia has a very low rate of recovery as I understand it. Exposure therapies being inappropriate or physically dangerous. Hypnotherapy has been shown to work I believe in some cases. This could help me but I am too worried about the memories it could surface of my father in his final days. I wouldn’t want to be ‘cured’ of my phobia only to find I had acquired a new set of issues. Certainly when my children were younger I didn’t feel able to attempt any kind of treatment. Maybe one day I will tackle it.
There are a lot of stories out there on pinterest. Reading other people’s experiences can be very helpful. Here is a link to my pinterest board – emetophobia.
I hope that my account of living with emetophobia is useful to anyone who reads it. I am happy to answer questions and would really like to hear your experiences too. It does feel like together we are stronger on all these difficult subjects. All the best.
Annie 🙂