Hard to believe we are into the third month of this journey but here are the instructions and diary entries for my Sobriety blanket month three! I started on this journey 26th December 2022. If you are new to the story you might want to go back to the original post here, for the starting instructions. If you are here mainly for crochet then you might be better on my other blog which you can find here.
With two months now under my belt I cannot feel complacent because every now and then out of the blue I have a massive craving! The voices in my head use the two months successes against me. They tell me two months is enough and there is no need to keep going. They say that I have made my point and proved that I can do this so there is no need to continue. I still struggle to say, even to myself, that this is forever but I really want it to be! Here goes with the next chapter.
Sobriety blanket week 10
Day 64 – row 64
Start of a new week and back to work. The weeks seem to be racing by and I really notice the increased daylight at the end of each day. I am sure that the blue skies and sun will make everything easier but there will be challenges. Thinking ahead to evenings in the garden with the evening sun it is hard to imagine them without a glass in my hand! Tomorrow’s problems – there are enough problems right now without thinking ahead.
I am still not seeing all the lovely changes I am supposed to be seeing. However, I do think that I enjoy my evening activities so much more now. I am really loving going to orchestra. At the back of my mind in the past there was a silent pull from the fridge and couch to curl up with a glass of wine rather than go out. I look forward to going out now, even when alcohol is not involved!
Tonight’s row is in black DC or SC in US terms.
Day 65 – row 65
Today has been a bit full on if I am honest. Day job then out to fulfil my obligations as treasurer for a little not-for-profit organisation I work with. This evening I was talking to a friend late into the evening about the ins and outs of life. No real down time and another late night. Just time to slip in a row of black DC or SC in US terms and head to bed!
Day 66 – Row 66
Today work finally eased up a little. I spent a bit of time working with my close colleague who is also examining relationships with alcohol. Sadly today I got the feeling that they are flirting with moderation rather than abstinence. I know that route is not for me so I am selfishly hoping for a partner in crime on the 100% sober path. However, anyone to share any part of this journey with is more than welcome! We have arranged a day working in the office together and we are planning to go out to a dry pub for lunch. I didn’t even know such places existed – how exciting!
There was an article in the Times this week apparently on sober dating. These articles are either increasing in frequency or more likely I am just noticing them more. I expect that they say it is hard but at least they acknowledge it is a thing now and I think increasingly so with younger people. I hope so.
Orchestra tonight was interesting. We are doing a concert this time of entirely female composers. People who have had it hard and not been recognised in the way that they could/should have been. Inevitably the music is unfamiliar but it is lovely and interesting. I just hope we can get an audience to come to the concert!
Tonight’s row is in orange, DC or SC in US terms.
Day 67 – row 67
Today was an eye opener. I need to protect various identities but I became aware that someone I know quite well was drinking during the day. This person was really quite drunk and not in any state to work. I haven’t ever known this happen before with anyone I know, at any time. Thankfully they were not in a position of having to work nor having to be seen by anyone who was working with them. They logged off and took the rest of the day off.
I found the whole episode very very unsettling. I actually hate alcohol and what it has done to us all. Could that have been me? I have never at any point felt like drinking during the day. I know that that is where people do end up – I guess it is where I could end up if I had carried on drinking. It doesn’t feel as though that could ever have been me but who knows. Alcohol is an addictive poison. Who knows……
Today I am working a row in grey DC, SC in US terms – sobering and dull. Just what I need 🙂
Day 68 – row 68
I spent today significantly unsettled after yesterday. I tried to reach out to speak to the person to see whether they were ok. They were ok thankfully but gave me two different stories to account for their behaviour – neither stacked up. Clearly something that needs watching with this person. I told one other person so that I am not the only one who knows to watch. No harm came and no issues arose from the incident but it was very unsettling.
On a more positive note – I spent the evening with my daughter and we found a new source of alcohol free cocktails! These are from a place that delivers and quite an extensive menu which was a lovely way to end the working week. 🙂
A lovely optimistic white row of trebles today, DC in US terms.
Day 69 – row 69
Early start for park run this week. I had to drive myself there as my husband is away for the weekend. Sadly still no progress with my speed and no progress with my weight either. I think I am being a bit hard on myself when I say no progress. I have stopped putting on weight, despite eating anything and everything in sight. The additional calories from alcohol were causing me to gain at about two to three pounds a week which is crazy. So I guess not gaining any more for the last three months is actually progress of sorts. I would be around a stone heavier had I still been drinking.
More on the good news I have to report that any day to day cravings I had for alcohol have completely disappeared now. I still have the odd moment where I just fancy a glass of something but for the most part those moments pass really quickly.
Today’s row is orange again DC, SC in US terms.
Day 70 – row 70
Here we are at 10 weeks. Seems like forever and no time at all. I bet I have said that before. Actually whilst I am on that point I have to tell you I don’t read any of this back. I don’t know whether I am repeating myself or whether any of it actually makes sense. This is just my sober diary – day by day with little or no edit.
Today I started a new hobby. I went for a rowing taster course. It was just a couple of mind bending hours of trying to get my body to learn a new set of skills. The people at the rowing club were lovely, so welcoming. I have signed up for a full eight week ‘learn to row’ course. There were 32 of us on the taster sessions and only places for 12 on the course so I am not sure I will get a place but fingers crossed.
If I have a place, the course starts in three weeks time and involves training on Sundays on the water and in a gym on Tuesday and Thursday. The water sessions we are in bath tub sized boats with sort of floaty stabilizers. Excited to be doing something new! It did occur to me that, if I stick to my pledge and make this no alcohol life stick, the people I meet there will only ever know me as a non-drinker! Weird.
Today’s row is white DC, SC in US terms and this is the end of another week!
Sobriety blanket week 11
Day 71 – row 71
This week started with a low point. Some years ago we bought a barn in France with the idea of doing it up and having a holiday home to spend time with our children over there. To cut a very very long story short, it never happened and now does not look likely. As a result we put the barn up for sale and this week someone made an offer. The offer is for about half what we paid but with the nightmare that is Brexit, it is probably all that it is worth. The barn was entirely in my name and now I have signed the paperwork to sell it. End of a dream really. I spent a year in France when I was a student and always wanted to go back there to live.
Work wasn’t so bad today so I took my lunch sitting in the kitchen reading the local weekly paper. I spotted an advert for a local care home which stated that they celebrated ‘National Wine Drinking Day’!!!! Seriously – a day when we are all supposed to drink poison?! I mean really?! Is there a national smoke a cigarette day or a national day for ingesting any other toxic substance? It really is all around us the collective conspiracy that normalises and promotes the taking of alcohol. We are up against so much in trying to give up.
Today I am working a row of grey DC, SC in US terms for the steely determination we all need.
Day 72 – row 72
Day in London today so not a great deal of time to write. I didn’t plan to go out with the team but our wider team were in the office so drinks were on the boss! The fact I am not drinking is now accepted without question or comment which is lovely. I had two then made a run for home. No plans here for food meant that we ended up having take-away food. Not the healthiest. I really really need to get a grip on sleep and my diet.
Today’s row is another row of grey DC, SC in US terms.
Day 73 – row 73
Work was crazy busy today and I realised at just after midnight ie too late – I had missed my pledge. I had quite a streak going so that is a little annoying. The ‘I am Sober’ app allows you to report that you kept your pledge the day before but doesn’t allow you to make that pledge so you lose your streak when you miss. I keep trying to make my pledge at the same time each day to avoid the miss but something always goes wrong. Disappointing but the most important thing is that I am keeping my pledge and I am not forgetting to report in here or keep my blanket growing. I really should put some pictures in at some point!
Today I was hit by a sudden craving for a glass of wine. It really took me by surprise. When I stopped to analyse the feeling I think actually I was just thirsty. I had a large glass of iced water and felt fine after that. The craving disappeared.
Today’s row is in black Trebles – DC in US terms. Strong and stable reminder of the need to be vigilant.
Day 74 – row 74
Well today was quite something. No sleep and no exercise I am wasting time in the evenings playing around on my phone – which could be linked to the ‘no sleep’. However, today at work I had the results back from some 360 degree feedback and coaching I have been given. It was really very positive and it almost made me emotional just having someone spend that much time talking about me and what I need/want from my career. Total privilege being given the opportunity to do this stuff – I am very very lucky.
Today’s row is in Orange, a row of DC, SC in US terms.
Day 75 – row 75
Another trip to London today. On a mission to try to convince someone to come and join my team! I think it was successful which is lovely – I really care about my team and sadly someone has to move on for their own development. The new person if they do decide to join will be a lovely fit and my little work family will continue to thrive.
Straight from London to a rugby match with my husband. I love watching rugby on a Friday night because it makes the weekend feel so much longer. We do have sub zero temperatures here at the moment so we watched from underneath a blanket! Very cosy.
Home now with a fire and an end of the week non-alcoholic Guinness which is becoming a firm favourite. I haven’t tasted it alongside the alcoholic version but it really does taste like I remember Guinness tasting!
Today’s row is a row of white DC, SC in US terms.
Day 76 – row 76
I feel like I let myself down a bit today. I didn’t do park run. The 360 feedback session made me feel a bit more like I should give myself a break. There really need to be some proper changes though. I thought stopping drinking would be the answer to more than it has turned out to be. Feeling rough in the mornings has as much to do with how much sleep you get as anything else. If I could just get on top of work and get a bit of empty head time then I will make a plan to get back to being fit. Maybe I need to take some holiday and get a bit of a proper rest.
Today I am working a row in orange DC, SC in US terms.
Day 77 – row 77
Lazy Sunday today. Morning in the hot tub with my friend who was marking time whilst her daughter had a ballet class 🙂 Lovely to catch up and the skies were bright blue. When my friend left I carried on in the hot tub for another two hours. We felt very extravagant when we put in the hot tub. It really was extravagant as we didn’t actually have the money to finish the renovations on our house! However, we certainly have had our money’s worth because the hot tub really gets a lot of use.
This afternoon I spent at the laptop catching up on work and doing a bit of home admin. I didn’t manage to do any planning despite having a totally lazy day. Really busy week ahead too. Hey ho. Maybe over Easter I can get myself sorted.
Today’s row is a row of grey trebles, DC in US terms.
Sobriety blanket week 12
Day 78 – row 78
Another Monday comes around. The weeks seem to be flying by this year. Work is always busy on Mondays. Lots of meetings and work to jam in between meetings. Getting away from my laptop in time to get to Orchestra is a challenge but we are paying Dvorak New World symphony which is a major incentive! I absolutely love playing in an orchestra. The back of the second violins, where I sit, is right in the middle of the sound usually. I wish I was a better player but with work the way it is there is no chance to do any practice. Came home to a non-alcoholic Guinness and an early night. That is after working today’s row which is a row in black DC, SC for those working in US terms.
Day 79 – row 79
Absolutely no sleep last night. I don’t know whether I can blame this on giving up alcohol after so long. My sleep has never been great but this is getting quite ridiculous. Some nights I am sleepy before I go to bed then once I get upstairs my mind starts racing and I find I cannot relax. I am spending hours in the night listening to the ‘Over the Influence’ podcast. Working my way through back numbers, I find they quite often cover the topics that are on my mind! I am tempted to join the community but I honestly don’t think I would have the time to get the most out of it at the moment. There are so many things I really need to get on top of and change.
I keep forgetting to make my daily pledge on the ‘I am Sober’ app but I am still very very sober 🙂 Not sleeping is making me constantly hungry so my weight is definitely not going in the direction most newly sober people seem to report. Another thing that needs to change. At the moment, having given up alcohol for the sake of my health, I am going to kill myself via obesity and sleep deprivation. What is wrong with me!!?
This evening we drove up to see my son at Uni and took him out for a meal. It was so lovely to see him but we don’t get invited in which makes me feel like such an embarrassment. I would normally have come home and had a large glass of wine then another etc but I am not even tempted tonight.
Today’s row is in white. A row of DC, SC in US terms.
Day 80 – row 80
Work tipped over the edge today and stopped me from getting to Orchestra. I worked on into the evening resentfully. A new deadline was set for a piece of work that needs to be completed by early next week. I think once I get past that and the month end that comes along with it, things will get a little easier. They really need to!
Today I decided to be easy on myself until 1 April when the peak at work should be over. The results won’t be pretty if I carry on eating rubbish and not exercising but I can’t put myself through all this and make myself feel like a failure on top!
Today’s row is a white row in DC, SC in US terms.
Day 81 – row 81
Work work work. I have nothing more. Tomorrow I am taking a day off which of course meant doing twice as much today and probably working over the weekend!
I worked a row of DC today in Black – SC in US terms.
Day 82 – row 82
Today was fun! I picked up my friend from the station and drove us to the NEC to a craft supplies show. After many years of loving craft and having no time, most of my day was spent looking at stalls and remembering that I had already bought things to make and not started them! Being in that environment with all the creativity, beautiful fabrics and design inspiration was such a treat. I find myself saying ‘one day’ so often.
I haven’t shared my sobriety with this particular friend because a lot of our history revolves around drinking cocktails and prosecco and I feel like I am letting her down in a way by changing my lifestyle. In the evening her partner joined us back at home. We bought in pizza and I hid my sobriety behind the need to collect my daughter from work. Far from being tempted to break my pledge now I am in fear of having to break it. Maybe that is progress?
Today’s row is a big row of trebles in orange, DC for those working in US terms.
Day 83 – row 83
Saturday and another chance to beat myself up for breaking my parkrun pledge but I had a good excuse today. My friend came round for a hot tub session! We had a good catch up and the weather, though cold, was lovely and sunny.
I spent most of the rest of the day at my desk as though it was a normal working day. The price I paid for taking yesterday off. Another two weeks of this then I am going to take some time back and get things back on track. The ONLY things I am keeping going other than work is my sober pledge, this blog and my sobriety blanket!
This evening we went up to see my son again to hear him play in a concert. I love hearing him play and watching him makes me soooo happy. Love him to bits. 🙂 we took him out for a quick bit of food after the concert then headed back. He will be home briefly at the end of the week.
Today’s row is in black, DC or SC in US terms.
Day 84 – row 84
Sunday and I spent it at the laptop again. I even watched back some meetings that were recorded for me on Friday. To be fair, those meetings were recorded at my request. I have always been a workaholic and I am never sure quite where the line is drawn between self inflicted and imposed when it comes to workload. Normally I am quite comfortable with my balance between work and play even if most people might not be. I enjoy my job and want to do well. I don’t think my sobriety has caused me to make any changes. At the moment things are a bit out of balance but I know the other people doing my sort of role where I work are all suffering overload too so maybe it isn’t me this time!
Today I am working a row in grey. DC or SC in US terms.
Sobriety blanket week 13
Day 85 – row 85
Work work work again today. I nearly missed orchestra but remembered the promise from the conductor last week was that we would be playing through a few of the new pieces for the concert after next. This meant we would be playing through pieces rather than rehearsing them where you go over and over the hard bits. Of course the actual rehearsals are necessary and rewarding but playing through is soooo much fun! I had piles of work to do and a trip to London early tomorrow but shut the laptop lid and scooted off to pick up my friend and headed off to play.
Back now and working a quick row of black DC, SC in US terms, before bed and an early start tomorrow.
Day 86 – row 86
Long long day today. In to London on a 6.30 train, 6.39 to be precise! I spent the day working with my colleague who is sober curious/attempting moderation. We had planned to go out to an alcohol free pub for lunch but found it had closed. I think Covid saw it off rather than a lack of custom but who knows. It is still difficult to find good places to go for non-drinkers. Not sure whether that will change when our numbers increase. I wonder what it is like in Sweden where alcohol is very expensive I believe. Do they have different sorts of places to go in the evenings I wonder? I will put it on my list of things to research!
I ended up working really late tonight in the office and getting a late train back but we managed to get a lot done. Only a week and a half more of this pace then I get my life back together. Today’s row is white DCs, SC in US terms.
Day 87 – row 87
Today was a more normal day. I worked hard but managed to stop at the normal time and headed to orchestra. We are in the final week before a concert so it was an important rehearsal to be at. I still haven’t managed to go to the pub with the people from orchestra but I plan to. So much easier now I don’t drink and there is no sacrifice in being a driver! We had a treat today at the end of rehearsal we were given copies of Libertango to play through. Turns out our soloists, a trio comprising violin, viola and piano accordion (!) would like to play this with us as their encore! It is playable and fun but a massive ear worm 🙂
Tonight I am working a row of DC in grey. SC in US terms.
Day 88 – row 88
I can only describe today as biblical! The good bit is my husband drove up to bring my son home from Uni. He is only with us for one night before he goes down to London to fly out to a sailing course but it is lovely to have him home. The rest of it was quite incredible.
Firstly, at about 5pm the heavens opened and we had quite dramatic rain. This meant that the two flat rooves we have here started to leak – we have to put buckets under one of them, so much comes through. Just as that was happening all the fire alarms in the house started to go off. The noise they make is incredible, ear-splitting. I don’t know whether I have mentioned this but we have four dogs here and they were distraught and trembling the noise was making them really scared. My son and daughter were looking after them.
After checking there was no fire, my husband tried to reset them but to no avail. This went on for about twenty minutes until we noticed an unusual sound coming from the boiler. At a loss and willing to try anything to get the noise to stop my husband turned the boiler off and after a short delay the alarms stopped. What a relief. We called for an emergency gas engineer to come and look at it and were just relaxing when… the two dogs started to be sick, no doubt the after effects of the anxiety brought on by the alarm!
To cut a long story short the alarm turned out to be caused by not one but two issues with the boiler and we now have no heat! A different engineer is due to come tomorrow to tell me how much all this is going to cost to fix 🙁 I think I need a large brandy – or maybe not 🙂
Today’s row is a row of black DC, SC in US terms.
Day 89 – row 89
OK so today it was cold. We are in a house with no heat. My 88 year old Mum is now living not only with a leaky ceiling and a bucket to catch the drips but no heat and has to sit under an electric blanket to stay warm. I am not proud.
The heating engineer came and we were told that to repair the boiler which apparently has three things wrong with it not just two – will cost almost as much as replacing it. Tomorrow we will get quotes and information on which to base a decision.
My husband drove my son to the airport today to send him off for a couple of weeks. We haven’t seen much of him since Christmas and we are not going to see him over Easter for more than a day. My daughter is still here but doesn’t really spend any time with us. I miss them both so so much. Everyone tells you they don’t stay little for long but nothing can prepare you for the void they leave when they no longer need you to be around.
Today I am working a cold row of white DC, SC in US terms.
Day 90 – row 90
Saturday and no park run again. Today was all about orchestra. We had a rehearsal in the afternoon then a performance in the evening. We play in churches because the hire charges are more reasonable but the temperature is normally icy! Today, with icy temperatures at home I didn’t really notice the difference. Although experience has taught me to wear three or four layers so maybe that helped!
The concert today was showcasing music from female composers and there had been a lot of PR put out and a general fear that nobody would come because the repertoire was unfamiliar. We shouldn’t have worried, the concert was a great success and everyone seemed to love the music!
Tonight the clocks go forward for British summer time. We lose an hour of sleep but the reward will be light nights 🙂 The buds on our magnolia trees are fat and it feels like spring is about to burst on us. Today I am working a row of orange DC, SC in US terms.
Day 91 – row 91
Last day of the week and a first day of rowing for me! Learn to row lesson #1 of 8 was challenging. I am not sure whether I am going to be able to master it in just eight weeks. Each time I went into the boat I was anxious and felt pretty useless but just kept going! After the lesson I treated myself to a large latte and a cheese and ham toastie – yum. Conscious that all this has to stop if I am going to get my weight in check but I did give myself until the end of the month when the workload should decrease.
I spent the rest of the day at work on the laptop just one more high pressure week now I think and it should ease. Today’s row is a white DC, SC in US terms and that is it for this post. Tomorrow I will start a new week on a new page. Unbelievable to think that I am almost at three months sober! See you on the new page……
Annie.x