One month sober. One whole month. It feels like forever and no time at all. I am very proud to have completed the month but a bit disappointed if I am honest in terms of the changes I have seen so far.
A little bit of background on my drinking first to give you an idea of where I have come from. If you want to read the full story then please start here. If you want to read the day by day reality with a little bit of crochet thrown in then I suggest you start here!
Firstly, I do not believe anyone would think I had a problem with alcohol. I have never drunk myself into oblivion, never made myself ill with alcohol nor blacked-out/lost memories of an evening out. There have been no missed days at work nor any other problems really. However, I have been drinking wine pretty much every evening for as long as I can remember. As much as a bottle a night or more some nights and an increasing amount each year. I had a health scare in November and on reading that there is actually NO safe amount of alcohol you can drink and fearing that alcohol had caused the health issues….. I decided enough was enough and I had to stop. For good.
One month sober – physical changes
I would love to be able to report clearer skin and brighter eyes and lost weight but I think that that would be a lie as things stand. Pretty sure the reason for this is that I have not been sleeping very well. The initial withdrawal … gosh that sounds dramatic but I guess that is what I was experiencing. The initial withdrawal was relatively gentle. I had low grade nausea for a week or two plus a headache that lasted a couple of weeks too.
In the first few weeks sleep became really difficult. I have always fallen asleep quite quickly. Looking back I know now that that was probably because I wasn’t falling asleep naturally. I was anaesthetising myself ie drugging myself to sleep with the alcohol!
One month sober and sleep is still not really on track. Lying in bed wide awake is something that I will avoid at all costs. That is when anxiety peaks and since childhood, I have always dreaded nights of insomnia. I am therefore staying up too late and not giving myself the chance to sleep, or rather doing everything to avoid lying in bed awake. I have also been guilty of messing around on my phone late into the night, again to avoid facing the sleepless nights.
Now that the effects of the alcohol withdrawal are calming down I really need to give sleep a chance to come back to normal. During month two I will be making a positive effort to go to bed early with good sleep hygiene.
I would also love to be able to report weight loss but sadly I seem to have replaced alcohol with grapes and chocolate so there has been little weight lost. However, I was steadily gaining weight each week before Christmas so I can report that that trend has been halted with little or no effort and a lot of chocolate and grapes!! Next month I plan to try to eat better so we will see where that goes.
One month sober – mental changes
Now here I think I can be more positive. In general I have been happier this month than at any time in recent memory. Not for any specific reason I can pin down so maybe happy is the wrong word. Content. I feel more at ease and content. Anxiety levels, particularly in the middle of the night, are lower than they used to be when I was drinking regularly. That is a massive positive.
I am struggling with the weight. It is quite embarrassing to read back some of the articles I posted here when I was losing weight. I did end up getting down to my ideal weight and it felt amazing. All my old clothes fitted. Everyone who saw me commented. Although some comments were unkind and there was a general feeling from a few people that I had gone too far.
For whatever reason, and I can’t even tell you what those reasons were, all the weight came back again. Well not all of it but most. I do not intend taking any of the previous blog posts down. They might embarrass me now but they were true at the time and I am just in another chapter of the fight. This time going sober is the first priority and I will address the weight loss when I have defeated the alcohol demon!
Help and support
I am still making my daily pledge on the ‘I Am Sober’ app. The stories there are inspiring and the warnings and pitfalls are all laid out by people who have been there and done that. It is a privilege to be part of that community.
I had an interesting conversation with my Mum who previously thought I was being unnecessarily hard on myself giving up alcohol. Mum sees alcohol as a bit of luxury and as a route to relaxation and a little pleasure. Mum is a no more than one small glass a day person. As I hit one month sober, Mum who generally buys wine for the household each month, is noticing the savings and realises now that the volume I was drinking WAS a problem! I know have her full support in my sober journey and that means such a lot 🙂
There has been very little support other than this. People I know are interested in the journey but not in joining me! There are a couple of people I talk to who might try sobriety. I am trying to share knowledge but not push any agenda.
Overall – one month sober and very proud of myself. I do not see me going back to drinking in the short term. Long term remains a scary prospect. See you this time next month!
Annie 🙂